Apocalypto
Because I’m so obviously hip and trendy, and up to date with what’s in and what’s not, I watched Apocalypto
Cute Neighbour: Hey, do you like bloody and gory movies?
Me: Is this a trick question?
Cute Neighbour: Nah, I’ve the Apocalypto
OMG OMG he wants to watch a bloody and gory movie with me! Even though I usually watch the autopsy scenes in CSI between my fingers, I’m sure I can stomach this! OMG OMG!
*Takes deep breath*
Me: Yeah sure. Catch it at your place?
Cute Neighbour: Oh no, I can lend you the DVD and you can watch it any time you want to.
Me: Oh.
That was embarrassing.
Anyway, I took the DVD and since it was supposedly a bloody and gory movie, full preparation was in order.
Check List
1) Pillow (for covering my eyes if I see so much as a drop of blood)? Check.
2) Remote control within immediate reach (for switching to Cartoon Network if gore proves to be too much for me to handle)? Check.
3) Haagen Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream with Hershey’s chocolate syrup (do I even need a reason for this?)? Check.
4) Wine (this is for plan B, if all else fails, get myself drunk)? Check.
I obviously survived the movie to tell the tale. So what was it about? Just a bunch of men with dirt on their faces shouting at each other. Lots of blood and gore and someone gets nailed to the cross. Oops, sorry, wrong movie. Well, this one had a bunch of men with dirt on their faces shouting at each other. Lots of blood and gore and nobody gets nailed to the cross. Oh yeah, naked butts, lots of naked butts. So anyhow, this is what I learnt from the movie:
1) The Mayan people started the first Blue Man Group.
2) There’s the equivalent of “he’s fucked” in the Mayan language. Hee hee. Yes, I’m really a 12 year-old boy in disguise.
3) You know that scene with the decapitated heads rolling towards the nets held by those dancing men? You’re looking at the birth of soccer. Grisly beginning, eh?
4) The bee hive was the world’s first hand grenade.
5) If you look like the swamp thing, even the bees will find you too ugly to attack.
6) Remember earlier when I mentioned that the remote control should be within easy reach? Extremely useful for pausing the movie at strategic scenes to end arguments about who has the most delectable naked butt.
7) If our friend there hadn’t felt compelled to beat on his chest and NEHNEENEHNEEBOOBOO at the bad guys across the waterfall, the movie would have ended at least 30 minutes earlier.
After reading this “review”, you think anyone in his right mind will pay me to review movies?
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Cute neighbor just suckered you into his DVD rental scheme. The first one’s ALWAYS free…
You think so? Maybe he and I can come to an agreement. I’ll rent his DVDs if I get to sit on his lap while watching them.
I have had that same embarrassing moment, but he wasn’t cute… at all.
Hey, that reminds me. You still got my DVD?
I can’t say which is funnier, your neighbor encounter or imagining Meleah’s encounter only with lower standands.
So why did you go ahead and watch it instead of just taking it and then returning it the next day? Did you expect a quiz or something?
I can honestly say that’s the first time I’ve ever come across the words:
“You know that scene with the decapitated heads rolling towards the nets held by those dancing men?”
in a movie review!!
I wanna read more of that kind of reporting! Clearly you’re headed for film critic greatness! (well … assuming the neighbour keeps feeding you DVD’s … ??)
I would have read the cover and left it at that. I had a similar thing happen to me. A guy asked if I liked Italian food and I said, ’sure, when do you want to go?’ He said, ‘I thought you might be able to use this’ and gave me a voucher for a ‘two for one’ meal at our local italian restaurant!
Sounds like a fun time to me.
Return the DVD with your own picture disk in the movie container. Put “secret” photos on the side. This will provoke Mr. Goody-skins into another meeting. :-)
Meleah, what happened?
Greg, 2 words. Naked butts.
Geedos, just saying it like it is!
Lizzie, oh no, that’s embarrassing!
Blank czech, except for the embarrassing-myself-and-wanting-to-dig-a-hole-and-hide part.
Speedy, you mean sexy pictures like this?
It sounds really fun for me… Hope to see your updated soon…
What guy in his right mind would offer a woman his DVD of Apocalypto?!
Lis, run like a bunny!
At least he didn’t try to lend me Brokeback Mountain. There’s still hope.
Brilliant! I feel like I’ve seen the film, and I haven’t. You need to review more movies from your “rental store”, I think…
Nice review and perfect check list :D
You probably saved me 139 minutes.
Thanks
Baxter, provided the “rental store” remains in business…
Soroush, you should watch it, it’s pretty entertaining actually. All those naked butts running around in the forests. Uhm. Well, just as long as you don’t spend too much time wondering about the historical timeline and giving yourself a headache in the process (which was what happened to me).
Soroush - I never thought of that - I’ve now got two free hours to spare. I’m not sure what to be up to now, with all this free time…
Yes, that’s the one! LOL
Excellent review lis! I laughed and it’s pretty much what I needed today. You should make reviews a regular thing, heh.
Heh, sure, if I get my grubby paws on more DVDs.
I’m agree with trik.. Nice review! Much more better than some serious and flat reviews… The 3rd point of your check list maked me feel hungry xD
Kilang, wait till you read that at 3am in the morning and none of the stores are open. That’s real torture.
Here in Italy also now the stores are closed and I have only spaghetti to cook… I finished all ice cream yesterday evening… Argh…
It’s lunch time and the stores are closed already? Man, you guys have a good life.
My mule brought me Apocalypto today.. Is it worth it? Or it’s better delete it? :-/ Uhm… I don’t like male nuked asses :-/
It’s quite entertaining actually if you’re the sort who likes I-kill-you-you-kill-me type of movies, except in this case, the men (and women) wear very little.
It’s not bad.. I wached the first hour.. Then i realised that it was too late (1 am…).. It’s very educative watching how you can extract a heart from an alive man… Gonna try it on someone! btw, where are you from? :D