Troy
The other day, I watched a movie that was so annoying that I was completely pissed off by the end of the first hour. The movie was Troy
This movie was about a dumb blond who fell in love with a curly brown haired pansy. Why she fell for this pansy will forever be a mystery to me. Orlando Bloom wasn’t even particularly hot. Well, perhaps he had something to offer that no other brave, manly man could, such as exceptional hair care tips. In any case, she made the ultimate dumb blond decision to run away with him. As we all know, war is the answer to life, the universe and everything so her idiotic husband decided to avenge this insult to his manly name by declaring war on the dumb Trojans.
Somewhere in the movie, there’s also Achilles, the other blondie (not to be confused with Dumb Blond above) hereafter known as Goldilocks, and his cousin Whatshisface a.k.a. Dumb Blond 2.
Paris proved to be the ultimate pansy by running away from a duel he started to his super hot and super manly brother Hector (whose only sin in the movie was to have a pansy for a brother). Helen, tell me again why you’re in love with Paris?
And then there’s more fighting and more see-who-is-manlier-by-peeing-further sort of thing.
Dumb Blond 2 proved he’s a real Dumb Ass by impersonating Goldilocks and getting killed very dead by Super Hot Hector. Then Super Hot Hector got himself killed very dead by Goldilocks. That was my cue to stop watching this stupid movie but as you already know, I’m a sadist so I continued watching.
All of Troy proved they’re all dumb asses by accepting some weird wooden horse that showed up on their door step which they believed to be a gift to the gods. People, if something weird shows up on your door step, the normal reaction here will be to call the police.
Towards the end, Paris channelled Legolas proved his pansiness once more by showing that he could only kill a man (Goldilocks) by shooting at him from at least a hundred feet away. Also, note to Goldilocks, when someone’s shooting arrows at you, it’s generally not a very good idea to walk towards him without so much as a bullet proof vest. This has been known to be detrimental to one’s health.
So I guess the moral of this story is if you want to make it big in ancient Greek times, be a hair stylist?
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i was dissing the movie as well but i couldn’t do it as witty as you can :)
and i really agree that paris was such a pansy!
:):)
It’s really a stupid movie!
Thanks for watching the crappy movies so we don’t have to!
Lis you really need to think about changing your cable TV provider!
Towards the end, we must always understand that, the good guy can kill the bad guy with only one bullet shot, but the bad guy will not be able to kill the good guy even with thousands of bullets flying out of his machine gun!
But, if for some reason he got hit by a bullet, he will either be wounded in his arms, or he will be wearing a bullet proof jacket…
I echo Jason’s sentiment. Wasn’t ever tempted to watch it, never will be now! Thank you.
Yeah yeah yeah, someone’s gotta do the dirty job, eh?
Lis, stupid is an understatement! The thing is I was stupid enuf to sit thru the entire movie to watch it !!! Says a lot about me doesn’t it?
You and me both, Nick. Maybe you’re secretly a sadist too. :D
That was the best bad movie review I ever read. I needed to laugh, and thank you Mis Lis, you delivered.
Yes! The witty diva lives on!
And as for Mr. Orlando Bloom he is so NOT fucking hot! (except of course for his hair)
Ps:
(that picture is the best!)
And thanks for saving me from a shitty movie. That sort of thing could have pushed me right over that ledge I have been hanging from.
Someone needs to pay you to do movie reviews!!!!
LOL! The ONLY good thing about the movie was “super hot and super manly brother Hector”. Yup. You are bang on woman!
Orlando who? I hated the movie too. I just remember it as one loud overly graphic battle scene after another. The funny thing is, I went to the theatre to see it only because my two brothers asked me and my boyfriend to go and it was their attempt at doing the male bonding thing. Didn’t quite work. We’re lefties. They’re Neocons. Bad combo. But the popcorn, which is all I give a shit about, was great.
Thanks for the review, Lis. Now I definitely have zero desire to see it (not that I did before). Though if they remade Troy with you as the storyboard artist, I am sooo there!
Yeah Mel, I don’t get why people think he’s hot. He doesn’t do anything for me.
Michael, not if I’m only gonna get to watch crap movies!
Claudia, he is rather dreamy, isn’t he? Mmm…
Lisa, maybe they chose the wrong movie to bond at.
Andrew, I don’t know about that. All the storyboards will have lots of stick men and stick animals…
I’m a sadist, too.. Really crap movie.. :| Hey, i wanna read a “300″ review by lis :D (other naked butts…)
We’ll see about that. I just might do it. :)
I was disappointed in it also. Why would Orlando play such a wimp?