4 Things I Learnt From Hulk
This is not a movie review but man, Hulk
I don’t have supremely high standards when it comes to movies but they at least have to be entertaining. Plus, I have a very short attention span. So for me to concentrate on one movie for almost 2 hours, the movie has to be hella interesting. Incidentally, I’ve never been able to pay attention for more than 10 minutes back when I was in school. This has led me to develop a really useful skill and that is the art of “looking like I’m paying close attention to what you’re saying when I’m really thinking about what Christian Bale looks like naked in my bed”. This skill has proven to be immensely useful during office meetings. Of course, it can get a tad tricky when your boss asks for your opinion on something and you realise you’ve no idea what the topic of discussion is. And off I go on a tangent again.
Before anyone thinks I should start switching cable providers, this movie was showing on a free-to-air channel. Can’t really complain there. I mean, they could really be showing something really awful, like Titanic
Naturally, since the movie was so boring, all I could think about was how to make fun of it on my blog. That made me pay a bit more attention but not enough that I could come up with 10 things, so here are only 4 things that I’ve learnt from Hulk:
4 Things I Learnt from Hulk
1) The pre-requisite for being a superhero is to have an angsty, tragic past. At least one of your parents must be dead, or they could both be killed very dead by robbers (see Batman), or killed by other people (see Spiderman), or your home planet got blown up (see Superman) etc.. It’s a package deal. You want superpowers? Gotta have a sob-inducing-make-the-chicks-go-weak-in-the-knees history first.
2) There’s always some insanely hot chick (except McScreamy a.k.a. Mary Jane) out there who’s hot for you even when you’re a total freak, oh sorry, I meant superhero. That’s some mighty 4eva twu luv there.
3) When Bruce Banner transforms into the Hulk, he gets so big that his clothes explodes into nothingness. Well, except for his underpants. So what does that tell you?
4) Lastly, nobody ever looks good in radioactive green, not even when you’re the Hulk.
PS: Perhaps I should stop sneaking in Amazon links since all I ever do is trash the movies. Nobody’s gonna buy those!
Subscribe in a reader
Xena the Warrior princess was my grrrrrl and I don’t think wonder woman had a tragic past as a matter of fact I think she was kinda the Paris Hilton of super hero’s.
Now being a Humanities Major, Troy just plain Annoyed because they butchered the Illyad so bad…. but I guess they paid Homer off, so that is probably why he is not bitching about it much….
Homer got a pretty sweet deal for the Simpsons movie I’ve heard.
I agree 600% with your review o the Hulk, Lis. It wasn’t just a bad movie, it was boringly bad. Like I could see it being some stupid, drawn-out psychobabble artsy film and getting artsy critics to love it, if you just removed the Hulk from it. This was most definitely not a superhero movie. My wife and friend literally both fell asleep with about 30 minutes to go when we watched it. Out of morbid curiousity (or masochism) I had to see how it would end. And when I described the ending to them when they finally woke up… they didn’t believe me!
And Paula, even Wonder Woman’s got a rough past. Sure things were great on lesbian island with all those hot Amazon women, but then they were finally invaded by Ares and his army, who actually raped Wondie’s mom and did lotsa nasty all-around stuff. Oh, and Wonder woman was actually made out of clay at first. So yeah, Lis’ theory still holds true.
Such a great post.
Two things I have learnt from this:
a) I never noticed that Bruce Banner’s underpants stayed intact when he transforms into the Hulk. How does he get the rest of his clothes back?? Very disturbing.
b) I’m really gonna have to watch Wonder Woman again cos I never realised that she had a sordid lesbian island past and is the Paris Hilton of super hero’s! Does this mean as well as saving the world she also released a sex tape, did time in the slammer, has her own perfume range and often gets ridiculed on the David Letterman show?? Blimey. I don’t think we got that version in the UK when I watched it all those years ago – I’m off to Blockbuster now to rent the DVD!!
Oh Lis!
I have missed your posts!
“4) Lastly, nobody ever looks good in radioactive green, not even when you’re the Hulk.”
I died…this post was hilarous as usual. I had to watch this movie with my son (when he was 10) I hated it HATED IT. Thank you for making it funny to me.
You rule.
Lis, what, you haven’t heard of spandex undies? LOL! I’m a comic book fanatic and I say the hulk sucks big time! But being the sucker I am for superheroes brought to life on the big screen I watched it twice. Hey, I just wanted to check on that underwear thingy … LOL!
These are great!!!! I have none of the above to make me a super hero. I guess I will certainly never be seen as a great fighter of crime. Perhaps I can fight grime instead…
Paula, now I’ll have to go rewatch Wonder Woman…
Dan, I bet he’s just gonna spend it all on beer and donuts.
Andrew, only 600%? :) The ending was just plain silly. I’ve the same morbid curiousity (or masochism) when it comes to books. Unless the book is so bad that it’s preferable to dig my eyes out with my bare hands, I’ll still try to finish it.
Heather, thanks.
Geedos, he doesn’t. Those were the only parts of the movie that had my full attention. Ahem.
Mel, it was one of the worst superhero movies out there! Did your son like it?
Nick, that must be some almighty stretchy undies then. But I’m still sticking to my theory that the parts covered by the undies didn’t really expand much. That’s seriously sad. :P
Michael, you’re welcome to fight grime in my home any time!
Listen, you have to realize that the movie was PG-13. God forbid that the pants actually came off…do you think Hulk-junk stays Banner-sized? NO. Hulk-junk gets hulkified.
Imagine now, the scene where he’s ginormous, standing behind the tree and Jennifer Connelly (woops..my junk just got hulkified) comes around. Suddenly, we have gigantic green Hulk-wood.
Not only does this scene NOT bode well for Hulk (as now those dogs have a bone to fetch), but my child is asking me, “Daddy – what’s with the giant moss-covered tree trunk?”
Plus, there’s the inevitable comparison with my wife watching.
I don’t need that pressure watching a superhero movie.
Thank you, Marvel, for letting him keep his pants on.
My son, thankfully, has the same taste in movies as I do.
No he did not like that movie.
whew…
I didn’t even have to buy the video game that went with the movie…so basically that crappy ass movie saved me a cool $50.00 for an XBOX game
One more thing I learned from the Hulk…I enjoy naps!
At least it serves as a reminder that destroying stuff is more fun when prefaced with an guttural “HULK SMASH!!”
Hmmm, seems cool.
Joe joestain13@yahoo.com