I’m sure by now many of you have noticed the remarkable resemblance between Sarah Palin and Liz Lemon. What many have failed to realise is that this is actually one big conspiracy conjured up by the one and only Jack Donaghy.

Don’t get it?

Well, this will only make sense if you’ve seen the last episode from 30 Rock season 2. If you haven’t and suffer from severe Spoileraphobia, consider this your warning: DO NOT CONTINUE SCROLLING AND CLICK HERE INSTEAD.

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Still here? Come on. Last chance.

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Fine.

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In the last episode, in an attempt to get himself fired from his government job, Jack resurrected the Gay Bomb project i.e. work on a bomb that will inflict the enemy troops with Teh Gayz so they’ll be busy having Teh Gay Secks. The bomb worked but only in enclosed spaces.

Now we don’t know if Jack will get fired and if he’ll get his old job back so he needs a backup plan. A really cunning plan. A plan so cunning even Baldrick wouldn’t have thought of it. This is where good ol’ dependable Liz Lemon comes in.

The truth is, there’s no Sarah Palin, it’s 100% The Lemon. She’s been leading a double life in New York and Alaska (see photographic evidence above).

What’s so brilliant about this plan is that if McCain decides to pine for the fjords, Lemon will take over as the P and as we all know, Donaghy is pulling all her strings anyway. This means he’ll end up running the most powerful country in the world!

Jack Donaghy for president!

(Disclaimer: I’m not an American. I don’t even play one on TV. This is just a bit of silliness but remember, if Jack Donaghy really does become the P, you read it here first.)

Photo Credit: Defamer

I have cast my roving eye on one and lusted after another, all while I was still very much involved in a loving relationship with yet another. That’s right, I’m not a one-pen woman. I’m physically unable to maintain a strictly monogamous relationship with a pen. How can anyone else for that matter? Just imagine, your entire life committed to just one pen.

My love affair with pens began the second someone thrust a pen into my grabby chubby little hand. The long, sleek body that squirt out ink at one end (sometimes both ends if you possess the right pen). It was love at first sight. I remember as a school girl the many pleasurable afternoons spent in a stationery store, caressing shelf after shelf of colourful pens, marvelling at their sultry sleek curves and smooth squirting abilities. It was then that I embarked on the road to being a pen connoisseur, tasting the wondrous and alluring charms of all the pens out there and refusing to settle down with just one.

I’ve often been regaled with tales of how someone had been gifted with such and such a pen upon graduation, how the pen had accompanied him through thick and thin, how it had bore witness to every contract he had signed, whether it had been the million-dollar business contract, or the one that bound his life to another till death do them part, or the one that signed all his future earnings in the name of alimony to the bitch that once promised to stick with him through sickness and in health. This pen had been elevated to the status of The One. The one pen that was superior to the rest. The one pen to rule them all.

These same people have told me that my inability to commit myself to just one pen was simply because I’ve not found that special one that will set my heart all aflutter, you know, The One. Perhaps when I tire of looking at the forest, I might settle down with just that one special tree.

Maybe, just maybe.

Someday I’ll find it,
The inky connection,
The Mont Blancs, the Parkers, and me.

(with apologies to Paul Williams and Kenny Ascher)

Bookstores
This is a good one. I’m quite sure I won’t meet morons like Office Creep here. At the very least, the guys who step into this place know their ABCs. Besides, I can zoom in on the ones who share the same literary interests as me. Let me take a look in the Crime section. Ooh look, there’s a pretty cute guy standing there. What’s he reading? Ted Bundy’s biography? Interesting. Serial killers is a pretty fascinating subject. Perhaps I should strike up a conversation with him. Wait a minite, he looks really engrossed in the book. Why is he so engrossed in the book? OMG is he a Ted Bundy wannabe? Is he looking for tips and techniques to use on his next victim? I’m outta here!

Cafes
Nice and casual with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee in the air. Smells like romance. Except I don’t really like coffee and the smell gives me a headache and can be a trigger for my migraines and then I’ll turn into that bitch from hell. That aside, I supposed I can live with dating a guy who drinks nothing but coffee. Well, as long as he drinks it from an airtight container in a locked room while I’m in a Hazmat suit. But do I really want to date a guy with a serious caffeine addiction? Could that also be indicative of other addictions? Alcohol? Gambling? Drug? Or worse, he could be addicted to collecting Barbie dolls. Creepy.

Churches
See, I’m not sure how I feel about my guy being more in love with some random hairy dude who lives in the sky and turns water into wine.

Maybe I can try those personal ads stuff. Mine will probably read like this:

Stick thin Chinese female in her 20s seeking male companion. Said male should have the looks and body of Christian Bale, wit of Stephen Colbert, culinary skills of Anthony Bourdain and come with own set of utensils. He must be willing to sit still for long periods of time for yarn winding purposes, concede FULL control of TV remote to the female and laugh at all her jokes even if they’re not terribly funny most of the time. Most importantly, he should never attempt to compete for shoe closet space with the female. Fans of reality TV shows and crappy sitcoms like According to Jim need not apply.

So what will your personal ad read like?

Anyway, for… uhm… research purpose, it’s poll time!

Yes, I think about the weirdest things. Also, I’ve realised that I should never give up my day job and run away to be a web comic artist.

1) Ever seen those straight bamboo knitting needles? Ran out of chopsticks and need something to eat that chow mein with? Yep. (Knit +1)
2) Need to take out someone’s eyes? Those sharp metal needles ought to do the job. (Knit +1)
3) As mentioned above, 1 hook is probably easier to handle than 2 needles especially if you’re as clumsy as me and tend to poke yourself in the belly button with the needles every 2 seconds. Nobody likes a girl with a bloody belly button. (Crochet +1)
4) There seem to be more ugly crocheted wearbles than knitted ones around. Seriously, have you seen some of the stuff here? (Knit +1)
5) Crochet works up more quickly. Good for instant gratification. (Crochet +1)

In conclusion, knitting is really good for self defence. Also, I heard from a little bird that today (9 Jun) is World Wide Knit in Public Day, so take out those needles and start knitting! In public! Just remember, don’t take someone’s eye out!

1) The skin tight costume? Dude, where do you keep your keys?
2) Need to pee really badly? Like really, really badly.. NOW? Not a good thing.
3) Underwear on the outside? Tacky.
4) High laundry bills. Nobody likes a stinky superhero.
5) The skin tight synthetic fabric can’t be healthy for the private bits. Nasty yeasties, anyone?

I just realised that was all about the costume so the obvious solution would be to change it to something a little more, uhm, breathable? But who the hell wants to see a superhero in a cotton sack? So not sexy.

So, if you could be a superhero for a day, with or without the sexy costume, what power(s) would you like to have?

1) “Can I bring my mum along?”
2) “Sure, meet ya at Nagrand?”
3) “Sorry, not enough HP to last through dinner. Gotta level up tonight.”
4) “I think of you as a brother and I’m not into incest.”
5) “Nope, not into guys.”
6) “Whaa..t? Sorry, I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up.” Make some static noises and hang up.
7) “I’ll love to go out with you, but first, I’ve gotta bury the last guy who tried to date me. He’s stinking up my garage. Wanna help?”

Happy Valentine’s Day!

1) See those pieces of paper with “Meeting Agenda” printed on them? Try making paper aeroplanes with them on your lap.
2) Now imagine one of the paper aeroplanes whizzing over your boss’s head.
3) Then you realise you could be fired for doing that and attempts to pay attention to the meeting.
4) As you have the attention span of an insect, your mind starts to wander again…
5) …and now you’re imagining your boss naked.
6) And he’s doing the macarena.
7) With pom-poms.
8) And a feather boa.
9) Snigger quietly to yourself and refuse to share the joke when your equally bored colleague asks you what’s so funny.
10) Then it hits you that a sight like this could possibly traumatise you for life.
11) Decide to do something more constructive instead, such as…
12) …compose time-wasting lists like this in your head for your next blogging opportunity.

Hey, at least I tried. This post has been brought to you by staff meeting 101.

in the shower
That’s right. Others like to show off their powerfully hideous vocal abilities but I prefer to think about my next mind-shatteringly exciting blog post.

on the potty
It’s certainly less disgusting than having a conversation on the phone at the same time and letting the other party hear all your pooping noises. I think it’s a great time to think about my next blog post unless my utmost full concentration is required due to a particularly difficult bowel movement, i.e. stubborn piece of shit refuses to exit. I’m sure most of you do it too. Come on, don’t be shy. Tell me about it. Heh.

on the bus
To work, that is. Provided I’m not busy fantasising about the cute guy at work. Or perhaps I can do that and think about blogging about it at the same time. Hmm. Definitely worth exploring.

So tell me about yours.

PS: This post was composed in the shower 10 minutes ago.

1) kissed the office loser (ya know, the one with bad breath and jokes that nobody laughs at).
2) gobbled down the party decorations thinking they were dessert.
3) thought table dancing with your top off was a swell idea… and you actually did it.
4) pinched your boss’s butt.

OK, I lied. I only have 4 reasons. And nah, not speaking from personal experience. Thank goodness.