Funny Signs
I love funny signs as much as I love my kidneys. In case you’re wondering how much I love my kidneys, well, I love them a lot. More than my spleen anyway. Someone alerted me to these beauties below and I’m sharing them with you. Hopefully they’ll chase your Monday blues away. My Monday blues need no chasing because it’s almost Tuesday (in another hour)!
Also, I just got rickrolled by the freakin’ radio. lol wut.
7 Deadly Blog Sins
I’m sure everyone’s just dying for a snot update. In order not to keep you in suspense any longer, I’m pleased to report that the fiercely raging rivers of snot spurting from my nose have since slowed to a gentle trickle or two and will probably dry up completely in a couple of days, provided I don’t go near another snot-filled entity. The grumpy mood, however, continues to persist in overstaying its welcome.
Perhaps it’s the grumpiness speaking, but blog surfing hasn’t exactly been a pleasant experience lately. It has occasionally caused my eyes and ears to bleed. Yes, you read that right. Reading blogs has not only caused my eyes but also the things attached to the sides of my head to bleed.
So what has been causing my orifices to gush out blood? Well, I’ve been coming across more and more blogs that have committed what I call the…
*Dramatic pause*
…”7 Deadly Blog Sins“. And they are:
1) “Skip this ad”.
So I see a link to a blog that might be interesting and I click on it, and hey the hey, in my face is an ad that takes up a full page. That’s all you see before you even see the blog and you have to click “skip this ad” to view the effing blog. You bet your ass I’m “skipping this ad” and while I’m at it, I’m “skipping this blog” as well. Next.
2) Autoplay embedded video.
Assuming you have no annoying “skip this ad” advertisements, I’d have arrived at your blog by now. Now, regular readers of this blog will already be familiar with my aversion to sites with embedded audio (HATE HATE HATE). There’s a reason why I don’t click on any link that has “myspace” in it. Recently, I’ve come across a new breed of terror and that is embedded video with autoplay. What’s worse, the ones I’ve seen don’t even have “stop” or “pause” buttons. I tell you, I couldn’t close my browser fast enough. I believe there’s a special place in hell for such offenders. Oh my bleeding ears.
3) Obnoxious blog colours.
And now we’ve come to the part that makes my peepers bleed. Besides the obvious fire-engine red, radioactive green and neon pink colour combinations that make my brain go all hurty just thinking about it, there’s another group that believes in the other extreme: subtlety. So effing subtle are their colours that I’ve to highlight the effing text just to be able to read it. I don’t know what kind of x-ray monitors these bloggers have, but if I can’t see a damn thing they’re writing without highlighting the text, I’m out of here.
3a) Loud wallpaper.
There’re also some blogs I’ve seen that use some really loud wallpapers which is fine if there’s a plain background between the wallpaper and the text. However, for some sites, the plain background either doesn’t load properly or fast enough so I’m once again left with bleeding eyes. For the love of all our peepers, either get rid of the ugly wallpaper or make damn sure the plain buffer is working. There’s no shame in having a plain white background, you know.
4) Bad navigation.
Rumour has it there’s this blog that’s pretty funny so I eagerly went to the blog to verify for myself. Big effing waste of time. I don’t know which planet this blogger lives on but the site navigation makes no sense to me at all. Obviously he’s not using earth logic when building his site. Further sniffing around has confirmed my suspicion that I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Too bad, for all I know, he could be the funniest blogger in the universe but if I’ve to use GPS to navigate his damn site, I’m not sticking around.
4a) No back button.
I’m sticking this under bad navigation. When I’m browsing blogs, if I find it interesting enough, I like to read older entries by clicking “older entries” or “back” buttons. I can’t find these on some blogs. This is very, very, very annoying to me. Please bring the buttons back.
5) Bad Text.
I’m not talking about the standard of English or anything like that. Goodness knows my blog’s riddled with all sorts of mistakes. I’m talking about blogs with no paragraphing or those that believe the only punctuation in the English language is the ellipsis. Blogs that don’t believe in paragraphs are hard to read. I don’t care if you paragraph randomly or whatever, just, you know, separate the blocks of text with some line spacing so my eyes don’t roll to the back of my head from seeing endless chunks of text. As for ellipses, blogs that only use them exclusively make me feel breathless. Commas and full stops don’t bite. You should try them occasionally. Just watch out for that exclamation mark. He’s a sneaky bastard.
6) Right click disabled.
I like to open new links by right clicking and I cannot even begin to tell you how much blogs that disable right-clicking annoy me. If you do it to deter people from copying your pictures or whatever, here’s a newsflash for you, there’re other ways to do it. All you end up doing is annoy legitimate readers like me. In short, DON’T FUCKING DISABLE RIGHT CLICKS. Geezus.
7) No Full Feed.
So if you haven’t committed any of the annoying sins above, then good for you! After perusing the content, I may just find your blog worth subscribing to so I decide to add your RSS feed to my reader. Now, I always preview the feeds in my reader before subscribing and what do I see? No full feed! I can tell you that the number of blogs I subscribe to without full feeds are very few. I can probably count them on one hand. You have to be a damn effing special kind of unique snowflake for me to even consider subscribing if you don’t publish full feeds. Life’s too short to waste on those who don’t so I just move on.
Of course, these are just what I consider to be deadly blog sins. YMMV. So what are your blog no-nos?
Stuff White People Like
I’ve been battling one of the worst colds I’ve had in years and it’s really not fun leaking stuff out of my nose. The coughing my lungs up and sneezing my brains out have put a damper on my blogging activity. I mean, I did try but every time I start a blog post, two seconds later, I’d be distracted by the two rivers of snot escaping from my nose and attempting to invade my pie hole.
I hope that hasn’t put you off your breakfast, lunch, dinner or whatever.
Right. Enough of the fun stuff. I came across this blog that’s fucking hilarious. The second I read that the blog “is a scientific approach to highlight and explain stuff white people like.” I knew I’ve struck comedy gold.
Without further ado, I present to you Stuff White People Like.
By the way, the snot? Salty.
Valentine’s Day with Johnny Depp
Last year, the Office Creep tried to ask me out. He didn’t try this year, which is just as well, I’m rapidly running out of rejection lines. A girlfriend and I decided we’d spend the evening with Johnny singing to us.
I’ve been nursing a cold the past couple of days and thought I’d be well enough to brave the crowds of lovey dovey couples. Obviously, my body had other plans. Just before I left the house, Mr. Migraine decided to come-a-knocking with flowers and candy. This didn’t bode well for the evening, but we’ve already bought our tickets so I decided to put on my brave face and went ahead with our plans.
Since it’s Valentine’s Day, there were couples everywhere. Couples with their arms around each other, couples who looked like siamese twins the way they seemed to be permanently attached to each other’s hip, couples playing tonsil hockey in the middle of the damn path, and couples taking their own sweet time strolling (again) smack in the middle of the damn path. Really, people, I don’t fucking care if you want to walk like time is travelling backwards while being glued to each other, but at least have the decency to keep to the side and DON’T BLOCK MY DAMN WAY especially when I’m going to be late. Geezus. Did I mention migraines make me grumpy?
Anyway, I made it to the movie in time. Sweeney Todd was marvellously macabre (mmm pussies in pies) and left me craving for a meat pie (definitely not the intended reaction to the movie). After the show, we descended upon one of the cafes to fill our tummies (savoury meat pies!) and engage in one of our favourite pastimes: people watching. We spotted some of these exhibits:
Exhibit A: Couples who dressed alike. I don’t know what is it about Valentine’s Day that makes otherwise sane couples think this is possibly a good idea. It’s not, okay? It’s not cute and Has No Speshul Meaning. You just look dumb, okay?
Exhibit B: Guys carrying their dates’ handbags. I’m not talking about heavy shopping bags. I’m talking about dainty, little handbags. Unless the girls have TWO broken arms, I don’t see any reason why they can’t carry their own fucking handbags.
Exhibit C.1: Girls with underwear showing through their clothes. We saw this really pretty girl at the cafe. She was wearing this fashionably short, egg yellow dress that was slightly translucent. When she stood up and walked past us, we could see she was wearing turquoise underwear, both bra and panties were a matching set. Seriously? The key to being a fabulous fashionista is to invest in a fucking full length mirror and good lighting. Unless that look was deliberate, in which case, you FAIL at fashion.
Exhibit C.2: Girls with underwear showing through their clothes. There was this other hot chick with really long, sleek hair in this hot little leopard’s print halter dress. Then the wind blew and we could see bra straps that were previously hidden under her hair. For fuck’s sake, WHY?
Did I mention migraines make me grumpy? So how was your Valentine’s Day?
Childcare for Dummies
Before I start on the post proper, I want to wish all of you who’re celebrating Chinese New Year a very happy and prosperous Chinese New Year. For those of you who aren’t, well, Chinese New Year is really just an excuse for all the Chinese to come together and stuff their faces silly instead of sitting alone at home sad and nekkid and stuffing their faces silly.
Also, I want to tell you all how much I love all of you. This is just in case I inadvertently gamble this blog away while inebriated during Chinese New Year.
Yeah yeah, I can hear you at the back there telling me to stop the jibber-jabbering and go on to the post proper. All right, but no soup for you!
I came across these childcare instructions for dummies via The Selfish Bastard and thought I’d share. There’re a lot of pictures so I’m putting the rest of this post behind a cut. You might want to get some tissues ready because they are that funny. Also, someone should send a copy of this to Britney Spears. She looks like she needs it.
