Valentine’s Day with Johnny Depp
Last year, the Office Creep tried to ask me out. He didn’t try this year, which is just as well, I’m rapidly running out of rejection lines. A girlfriend and I decided we’d spend the evening with Johnny singing to us.
I’ve been nursing a cold the past couple of days and thought I’d be well enough to brave the crowds of lovey dovey couples. Obviously, my body had other plans. Just before I left the house, Mr. Migraine decided to come-a-knocking with flowers and candy. This didn’t bode well for the evening, but we’ve already bought our tickets so I decided to put on my brave face and went ahead with our plans.
Since it’s Valentine’s Day, there were couples everywhere. Couples with their arms around each other, couples who looked like siamese twins the way they seemed to be permanently attached to each other’s hip, couples playing tonsil hockey in the middle of the damn path, and couples taking their own sweet time strolling (again) smack in the middle of the damn path. Really, people, I don’t fucking care if you want to walk like time is travelling backwards while being glued to each other, but at least have the decency to keep to the side and DON’T BLOCK MY DAMN WAY especially when I’m going to be late. Geezus. Did I mention migraines make me grumpy?
Anyway, I made it to the movie in time. Sweeney Todd was marvellously macabre (mmm pussies in pies) and left me craving for a meat pie (definitely not the intended reaction to the movie). After the show, we descended upon one of the cafes to fill our tummies (savoury meat pies!) and engage in one of our favourite pastimes: people watching. We spotted some of these exhibits:
Exhibit A: Couples who dressed alike. I don’t know what is it about Valentine’s Day that makes otherwise sane couples think this is possibly a good idea. It’s not, okay? It’s not cute and Has No Speshul Meaning. You just look dumb, okay?
Exhibit B: Guys carrying their dates’ handbags. I’m not talking about heavy shopping bags. I’m talking about dainty, little handbags. Unless the girls have TWO broken arms, I don’t see any reason why they can’t carry their own fucking handbags.
Exhibit C.1: Girls with underwear showing through their clothes. We saw this really pretty girl at the cafe. She was wearing this fashionably short, egg yellow dress that was slightly translucent. When she stood up and walked past us, we could see she was wearing turquoise underwear, both bra and panties were a matching set. Seriously? The key to being a fabulous fashionista is to invest in a fucking full length mirror and good lighting. Unless that look was deliberate, in which case, you FAIL at fashion.
Exhibit C.2: Girls with underwear showing through their clothes. There was this other hot chick with really long, sleek hair in this hot little leopard’s print halter dress. Then the wind blew and we could see bra straps that were previously hidden under her hair. For fuck’s sake, WHY?
Did I mention migraines make me grumpy? So how was your Valentine’s Day?
Childcare for Dummies
Before I start on the post proper, I want to wish all of you who’re celebrating Chinese New Year a very happy and prosperous Chinese New Year. For those of you who aren’t, well, Chinese New Year is really just an excuse for all the Chinese to come together and stuff their faces silly instead of sitting alone at home sad and nekkid and stuffing their faces silly.
Also, I want to tell you all how much I love all of you. This is just in case I inadvertently gamble this blog away while inebriated during Chinese New Year.
Yeah yeah, I can hear you at the back there telling me to stop the jibber-jabbering and go on to the post proper. All right, but no soup for you!
I came across these childcare instructions for dummies via The Selfish Bastard and thought I’d share. There’re a lot of pictures so I’m putting the rest of this post behind a cut. You might want to get some tissues ready because they are that funny. Also, someone should send a copy of this to Britney Spears. She looks like she needs it.
Telemarketer Special
In the previouslys, I posted about my feeble attempts at besting telemarketers. Then came Saphrym who showed that he, too, enjoyed devouring a telemarketer or two occasionally. And then along came Morgan who showed us who’s the boss of ‘em all by sharing this video.
Oh hey, it’s Monday. Everyone needs a laugh on Mondays.
Introducing Mercutio Sands
Do you know which is the bestest TV comedy in the whole wide world? Nope, it’s not Monty Python. Nah, it’s not Little Britain. And it’s certainly not Seinfeld.
Give up?
It is…
*Drum roll*
CSI Miami!
Otherwise known as The One with Horatio Caine and his Sunglasses of Justice.
Seriously, the show is a joke, Carrot Top is a joke and that coroner who “romances with the dead bodies” creeps me out. Plus, I found the next bestest thing in the world: a spoof of the show! CSI London is a full-length episode spoof split into 4 parts. It’s long (dude, it’s full-length) but man, the guy has Carrot Top’s mannerisms down pat. The legs-apart stance, hands on hips, gazing meaningfully into the distance, stupid one liners. And the sunglasses. Oh man, the Sunglasses of Justice.
The worst part? I’ve actually accidentally stumbled onto online discussions where they thought Horatio Caine was actually sexy. Seriously. *Scrubs eyes with bleach*
Happy 50th Anniversary, Lego
Thanks to Google, I’m sure many of you know by now that it’s Lego‘s 50th anniversary. Lego’s seriously the greatest toy ever made. Sure, I’ve played with the usual Barbie dolls and stuff, but Lego remains my greatest love. It brings back fond memories of lazy afternoons spent building the next Playboy mansion while my kid brother sits quietly in a corner, busy trapping ants with Lego windows.
What do you mean my brother’s a freak?
He wasn’t a cruel boy or anything like that. Hell, he even made small paper coffins for the tiny ants after they’re done pining for the fjords and joined the choir invisible. He had respect for those ants. Oh yes, he did.
What do you mean my brother’s still a freak?
Anyhow, it was common to have our living room looked like we forgot to pick up our toys with the Lego windows strewn carelessly around. In actual fact, the Lego windows were carefully placed ant traps.
Of course, he doesn’t do that anymore. He’s discovered girls.
And then there’re these clips that combined my two biggest loves, Lego and Monty Python:
It’s just a flesh wound!
